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Disclaimer,
datclaimer
Whilst every
effort is made to ensure that the details contained herein
are correct at the time of going to press, The Tower cannot
be held responsible for any misinformation, cancellations or
wibblywobbly bits. We are of limited means and intelligence
and dealing with a scary lot of variables, so even when we
do finally manage to stitch this rich moth-eaten tapestry
together, it still can't be a sure-fire certainty; it's life
Jim, and nothing, but nothing, is for sure.
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Frump
Friction
The Tower
reserves the right to withdraw membership and to alter terms
or conditions, as necessary and without notice. Members'
tickets cannot be reserved and have be paid for at the time
of booking. These are limited so book well in advance. If
they all get sold tickets can be bought at the concessionary
rate. These are only limited by venue capacity. Members are
given advance notice of each seasons' events, so in order to
secure low price tickets to the events of your choice, pick
up that phone and make that booking now.
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Risible
Assets and Projected Out-turns
'You can
take a horse to water but you can't make it think' as my old
Mum used to say and ain't it the truth? So with light
fingers, heavy heart and bouncy castle in tow, we whither
our weary way toward yet another end of Millennium, this
time we suppose for real, the absolute, no going back,
that's it, no arguments, I said leave it out, THE absolute
end of the Second Millennium. All got a bit carried away
last year didn't we? Now it's really the end, can we really
be bothered to get all hot and bothered all over again? No.
We can't.
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(I
Did It) The Appian Way
But hey,
Gladiator, what a movie eh? As one reviewer said (Sebastian
Faulks, Mail on Sunday), 'the first thing you wanted to do
when you left the theatre was phone George Lucas and say
'now George, get in your car, drive down to the Odeon, Bel
Air and cop a look at this one. Because this is how you make
an action epic'. Well, maybe not the first thing, the first
thing you have to do is shoehorn 'on my command, unleash
hell'' or bark 'hold the line!' into any social interaction
at any given opportunity.
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Internecine
Rivalry - The Mediator Holds Sway
On the
service we provide, we really do welcome comment, praise,
restrained criticism, considered complaint, positive
feedback or trills of delight. You can talk in the heat of
the night to Tower staff, or wait your moment to phone, fax,
voicemail, email or even write. We've got a Freepost address
so you don't even have to lick the back of Her Majesty's
head; all you need do is invest in a mark making machine and
the outcome of the demise of a modest number of twigs. We
try hard to deliver the goods as best we can, but if
something is not to your liking, do let us know and we'll
identify the culprit responsible and a public flogging will
ensue. If you're not happy, we're not happy, and if a damn
good thrashing will do the trick, there's no harm done is
there?
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Corporate
Scrutinies. VAT receipt Sir? Cashback Sir?
If you'd
like to make a cash donation to the work of The Tower, or
volunteer to help front of house or with publicity, then do
get in touch. Actually, forget that last bit, we'd prefer
cash. Sorry, really, do call. But you know, a donation? -
it's so easy. Seriously though, phone, but think carefully
beforehand about the cash option. So much more efficient.
Anyway, we really are very friendly, it's just that life
hasn't been kind and so if we do make any sort of growling
noises, or apparently threatening gestures, we're really
just being affectionate. So approach slowly, no sudden
movements, speak softly and smile; and don't stroke our fur
the wrong way, we hate that.
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There's
No Bushness Like Show Bushness...
First Nicole
Kidman, then Kathleen Turner and now Jerry Hall (who
apparently beat off Sharon Stone and Sigourney Weaver for
the privilege) all getting their kit off on a London stage
in the name of Art, Thee-ayy-tah, Lechery or Dosh; we know
not what, but do have to ask what's going on when tickets
can change hands for vast sums of money solely-and don't
even attempt any sort of argument against this-solely in
order to witness Mrs Cruise or a. n. other movie actress
fabric free. And as for Kathleen Turner, we here at The
Tower Campaign HQ for the Return of Decently Curtained Piano
Legs, actually phoned The Gielgud to make sure there hadn't
been some terrible mix-up and we'd somehow bought or been
given tickets to see The Graduate, with Ms Turner similarly
clad. Unclad. Yeaugh. And speaking of the late, great Sir
John Gielgud, what kind of world do we live in when The
Daily Sport can write 'Actor who played Dudley Moore's
butler dies?' You could weep, you really could.
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HAVE
YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
Next time
you visit The Tower, keep a sharp eye out for this dapper
gentleman. He isn't always fully tuxed up when he shows out,
but if he's here you won't have too much trouble spotting
him. He's a lucky cove to encounter because as soon as you
see him you should approach immediately and declaim in a
loud, clear voice 'You are Keef, Keeper of The Nuts and I am
Sammy the Squirrel and I demand my nut ration'* and you will
be appropriately rewarded for your pains.
*Offer valid
until the end of June or December 2000, or Keith gets fed up
with it or runs out of nuts or stuff or gets bored, or we
get fed up with it, eat all the nuts or get bored, whichever
comes first. All claimants should hold a current HGV licence
and when prompted, be able to speak with some authority on
the Life and Times of John Cooper Clarke, Gentleman Poet
& Medical Man.
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STEELY
WHO?
We sent this email to
Steely Dan. As yet, we have received no reply.
Dear Steely
Dan,
So September
16th looks good. What we need is an hour ( before the
headliner (Alan Price - you may remember him from The
Animals? House of The Rising Sun?), 20 minutes in the
interval and then play the audience out for 30 minutes or so
after the show's over. As I understand it, you are basically
a guitar and keyboards duo - we have a quality Yamaha
Clavinova, used and much appreciated by Neil Innes, of
Rutles and Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band fame no less! (Bring your
own guitar though!) We'll set you up in the Lower Gallery
area as the audience arrive. You actually won't be seen from
the door as people come in but as you are really there for
ambience, this is not an issue. Now regarding fees, support
acts here generally expect to get their expenses covered and
so we are looking at ferry fares from Rotterdam, plus
something for your trouble, so we are looking at £300,
or £335, tops, no accomodation (we are assuming you'll
want to get back to Europe to carry on with the tour). We
will of course be providing sandwiches, cold cuts and a
couple (2 per person) of drinks. A large part of our job is
to nudge along new talent and although Steely Dan have
limited appeal, we feel your muscular beat-funk with its
cynical world-view and extravagant use of extended
chord-forms match our taste perfectly. I will be issuing a
contract, but please accept this letter as confirmation and
we'll see you both on the 16th, arrive 5pmish, soundcheck
6.30pm prompt. If you could send photo, biog and any
CDs/albums you've done by return we'd be grateful - we've
got Can't Buy a Thrill so anything since then.
Thanks, good
luck with the tour and see in 'The Fall'!
The Tower
Arts Centre
Winchester
England
www.towerarts.co.uk
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