email us

Not our fault


Fannying about

Do it now!

Disgusted of Stanmore

Where's Keith?

Y2 what the hell?

Plain brown envelope

Countdown to Ecstacy


Disclaimer, datclaimer

Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the details contained herein are correct at the time of going to press, The Tower cannot be held responsible for any misinformation, cancellations or wibblywobbly bits. We are of limited means and intelligence and dealing with a scary lot of variables, so even when we do finally manage to stitch this rich moth-eaten tapestry together, it still can't be a sure-fire certainty; it's life Jim, and nothing, but nothing, is for sure.

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Frump Friction

The Tower reserves the right to withdraw membership and to alter terms or conditions, as necessary and without notice. Members' tickets cannot be reserved and have be paid for at the time of booking. These are limited so book well in advance. If they all get sold tickets can be bought at the concessionary rate. These are only limited by venue capacity. Members are given advance notice of each seasons' events, so in order to secure low price tickets to the events of your choice, pick up that phone and make that booking now.

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Risible Assets and Projected Out-turns

'You can take a horse to water but you can't make it think' as my old Mum used to say and ain't it the truth? So with light fingers, heavy heart and bouncy castle in tow, we whither our weary way toward yet another end of Millennium, this time we suppose for real, the absolute, no going back, that's it, no arguments, I said leave it out, THE absolute end of the Second Millennium. All got a bit carried away last year didn't we? Now it's really the end, can we really be bothered to get all hot and bothered all over again? No. We can't.

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(I Did It) The Appian Way

But hey, Gladiator, what a movie eh? As one reviewer said (Sebastian Faulks, Mail on Sunday), 'the first thing you wanted to do when you left the theatre was phone George Lucas and say 'now George, get in your car, drive down to the Odeon, Bel Air and cop a look at this one. Because this is how you make an action epic'. Well, maybe not the first thing, the first thing you have to do is shoehorn 'on my command, unleash hell'' or bark 'hold the line!' into any social interaction at any given opportunity.

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Internecine Rivalry - The Mediator Holds Sway

On the service we provide, we really do welcome comment, praise, restrained criticism, considered complaint, positive feedback or trills of delight. You can talk in the heat of the night to Tower staff, or wait your moment to phone, fax, voicemail, email or even write. We've got a Freepost address so you don't even have to lick the back of Her Majesty's head; all you need do is invest in a mark making machine and the outcome of the demise of a modest number of twigs. We try hard to deliver the goods as best we can, but if something is not to your liking, do let us know and we'll identify the culprit responsible and a public flogging will ensue. If you're not happy, we're not happy, and if a damn good thrashing will do the trick, there's no harm done is there?

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Corporate Scrutinies. VAT receipt Sir? Cashback Sir?

If you'd like to make a cash donation to the work of The Tower, or volunteer to help front of house or with publicity, then do get in touch. Actually, forget that last bit, we'd prefer cash. Sorry, really, do call. But you know, a donation? - it's so easy. Seriously though, phone, but think carefully beforehand about the cash option. So much more efficient. Anyway, we really are very friendly, it's just that life hasn't been kind and so if we do make any sort of growling noises, or apparently threatening gestures, we're really just being affectionate. So approach slowly, no sudden movements, speak softly and smile; and don't stroke our fur the wrong way, we hate that.

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There's No Bushness Like Show Bushness...

First Nicole Kidman, then Kathleen Turner and now Jerry Hall (who apparently beat off Sharon Stone and Sigourney Weaver for the privilege) all getting their kit off on a London stage in the name of Art, Thee-ayy-tah, Lechery or Dosh; we know not what, but do have to ask what's going on when tickets can change hands for vast sums of money solely-and don't even attempt any sort of argument against this-solely in order to witness Mrs Cruise or a. n. other movie actress fabric free. And as for Kathleen Turner, we here at The Tower Campaign HQ for the Return of Decently Curtained Piano Legs, actually phoned The Gielgud to make sure there hadn't been some terrible mix-up and we'd somehow bought or been given tickets to see The Graduate, with Ms Turner similarly clad. Unclad. Yeaugh. And speaking of the late, great Sir John Gielgud, what kind of world do we live in when The Daily Sport can write 'Actor who played Dudley Moore's butler dies?' You could weep, you really could.

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Next time you visit The Tower, keep a sharp eye out for this dapper gentleman. He isn't always fully tuxed up when he shows out, but if he's here you won't have too much trouble spotting him. He's a lucky cove to encounter because as soon as you see him you should approach immediately and declaim in a loud, clear voice 'You are Keef, Keeper of The Nuts and I am Sammy the Squirrel and I demand my nut ration'* and you will be appropriately rewarded for your pains.

*Offer valid until the end of June or December 2000, or Keith gets fed up with it or runs out of nuts or stuff or gets bored, or we get fed up with it, eat all the nuts or get bored, whichever comes first. All claimants should hold a current HGV licence and when prompted, be able to speak with some authority on the Life and Times of John Cooper Clarke, Gentleman Poet & Medical Man.

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We sent this email to Steely Dan. As yet, we have received no reply.


Dear Steely Dan,

So September 16th looks good. What we need is an hour ( before the headliner (Alan Price - you may remember him from The Animals? House of The Rising Sun?), 20 minutes in the interval and then play the audience out for 30 minutes or so after the show's over. As I understand it, you are basically a guitar and keyboards duo - we have a quality Yamaha Clavinova, used and much appreciated by Neil Innes, of Rutles and Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band fame no less! (Bring your own guitar though!) We'll set you up in the Lower Gallery area as the audience arrive. You actually won't be seen from the door as people come in but as you are really there for ambience, this is not an issue. Now regarding fees, support acts here generally expect to get their expenses covered and so we are looking at ferry fares from Rotterdam, plus something for your trouble, so we are looking at £300, or £335, tops, no accomodation (we are assuming you'll want to get back to Europe to carry on with the tour). We will of course be providing sandwiches, cold cuts and a couple (2 per person) of drinks. A large part of our job is to nudge along new talent and although Steely Dan have limited appeal, we feel your muscular beat-funk with its cynical world-view and extravagant use of extended chord-forms match our taste perfectly. I will be issuing a contract, but please accept this letter as confirmation and we'll see you both on the 16th, arrive 5pmish, soundcheck 6.30pm prompt. If you could send photo, biog and any CDs/albums you've done by return we'd be grateful - we've got Can't Buy a Thrill so anything since then.

Thanks, good luck with the tour and see in 'The Fall'!


The Tower Arts Centre

Winchester England


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